Made For More

As your child enters high school or is already there, every parent begins to think about college. School work takes on an even greater importance, extra-curricular activities are carefully chosen, colleges researched and visited,  PSAT and SAT prep classes arranged and the big exams scheduled.  So much work, so much effort can be overwhelming. Sadly many parents seem to overlook the most important element to the success of their children, preparing them for a successful  life!

We can’t be there with them in the physical however what we teach them will be in their hearts and minds always. From the moment of birth our job is bittersweet, our job is not to protect and provide forever but with much love to build them into independent, capable adults. The evidence of our teaching comes quickly, the boy child walking behind dad with his plastic lawn mower as dad does his regular Saturday morning task, the little girl ‘making’ a cake in her play stove,  the toddler who swears under his breathe when he can’t force a puzzle piece into place. Ah yes, the lesson’s come early and as is evidenced, children learn by example – hearing more clearly by what they see than what they hear. We must through our daily lives demonstrate what is important, our values and beliefs -  through our actions, be a living illustration of character.

We tell our children we value honesty yet when the phone rings we tell them “if it’s Grandma, tell her I’m not here”.

We tell our children we hold integrity in high regard but we cheat at Monopoly.

We tell our children they’ve got leadership abilities and then they hear us complain about the leadership of others and how we could have done it better, leaving out the fact that we never opened our mouths to offer a new idea. Don’t fool yourself, your child’s been watching you for years, he/she knows you didn’t speak up.

We preach about how ‘someone’ should do something about the homeless, hungry, elderly in need of help but we “don’t have time” yet never miss our favorite TV programs.

As parents, we all fall short – heaven knows I did! Our children, particularly our teenage children are looking to us as examples of what it means to be an adult. The good news is this, it’s never too early nor ever too late to pay attention to the examples we offer and make adjustments within ourselves to be the best we can be. If you desire your children to reach their full potential  and not just on a report card, it’s time to strive for our own potential as a human being.  Together, let’s inspire them!

Each week we’ll review a character trait that will assist us to reaching our best. Please read the questions below and begin a journal with the answers. Be absolutley truthful with yourself,  you can’t let yourself off easy and expect your child to maintain higher standards. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  You can do this for your own personal growth and your child can do it for their own or you can exemplify acts of courage by sharing your results with each other.

In what ways am I less than completely honest with others …with myself?

Example response: I don’t take calls from my parents because I have some long-standing resentments that  I don’t want to deal with.

Why do I hold back the truth?

Example response: I don’t want to talk about the past because it hurts too much and I don’t want to hurt my parent’s feelings because I know they did the best they knew how.

What might change if I commited myself to being truthful?

Example response: I’ll get upset, my parent will be upset AND/OR we can talk some things out leaving me with a better understanding of them and our relationship                              may grow to something more meaningful.

At this point I would suggest not sharing what those resentments are with the one you feel resentment towards. In the upcoming weeks we’ll discuss how to share our perspectives without putting someone else on the defensive

Copyright protected, 2009, Made For More

Did you ever know someone who always seemed to be angry and criticized everything? You know the type, every little thing gets them going. You say good morning and they reply with “What’s so good about it?!” When you were a kid and your ball landed in their yard they’d have a hissy fit and wouldn’t give it back! They’re the road rage-ers,- freaking out because the car ahead of them is driving too slow for them. You’d knock on their door and when they opened it, it was “What do you want?!” ...Um, we’re selling girl scout cookies?.......”
And then there’s the other people, they’re like Eeyore - always so gloomy. Always depressed about something. It’s rainy today - stinking weather; it’s bright sunshine - ah-too hot and the air conditioning costs too much! Perfect weather, 73 degrees, light breeze, soft fluffy clouds in the sky and they’re moaning that they can’t enjoy it because they have this or that to do. You can’t enjoy dinner out with someone like this - the food always takes too long or isn’t done the way they like it. Nothing makes them happy. If they won the lotto, they’d complain it wasn’t the Powerball! They could be tickled by a hundred dancing clowns in party hats and still wouldn’t crack a smile.

Did you know that anger and depression and basically the same thing? These are outward expressions of inner pain. Someone hurt them, someone let them down - they’re expectations were unfulfilled and they just can’t let go of it. Now I understand that there are a lot of times when rough things happen and it’s difficult to get over. Stuff happens in our lives that wound us, sometimes to the very core of our being and it hurts so bad we just don’t know how or if we’ll ever be able to get beyond it. Someone we love and trust leaves us or betrays us. A lifelong friend stabs us in the back and we can’t even really believe it - it’s just so far from what we’ve come to know. You were so close - how could they do that! You may even start to wonder what you did wrong or if you’ve had several instances you may even wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

So most of us have developed a tendency to pull back a bit, to not trust people quite as much. We build up walls of self-preservation because we expect that we will be hurt again. While this may be correct - we’re dealing with flawed human beings, and we will likely be hurt again, it’s not right. We were created for relationships. God said, man alone isn’t good. These walls we erect keep others out but also confine us. So what are we supposed to do?

Here’s the answer, be wise as the serpent but gentle as the lamb. “Well, how am I supposed to do that?”, you’re wondering. God’s answers are always simple - not easy, but simple. We have to learn who to trust and forgive always. No matter how you’ve been hurt, no matter what awful thing has been done to you, we have to forgive. It’s wrong for us to stay angry and allow that seed of evil to be planted in our hearts, not just because it’s wrong but it robs us! Stealing a little piece of our joy at a time, little by little we keep track of these offenses, like rocks in a jar we heap them up.


Imagine a bowl full of water. The bowl is your soul and the water represents your joy. The bowl is filled to the rim. Now imagine rocks being dropped into the bowl. Each rock represents an emotional injury. A little rock, a little injury – the boy/girl you liked in elementary school said you had cooties. A big rock, a big injury – you lost someone you love through death or divorce. As we go through life, these rocks continue to drop into our souls, each one displaces a little more of our joy until all that’s left is a bowl of rocks. There’s no room left in our souls for joy because we’ve been hurt and refuse to forgive.
Each one taking up space in our spirits, slowly but surely filling up the corners, taking from us our peace. Every time we say, “I’ll never forgive so and so for such and such an offense”, we hurt ourselves more than we’re hurting the other party. Sometimes in far greater measure than we were hurt by the original instance.
“Okay”, you say, ”I understand that God says to forgive and maybe you’re right - maybe it’s even for my own good but how do I do it? I’ve tried but I just can’t seem to get over it - it still hurts too much” Jesus said to pray for our enemies. “But wait” you say, “we’re talking about my mother or my father here. I don’t want to heap hot coals upon their heads! I’m just a little hurt, I’ll get over it.” Let me tell you about an incident in my life a couple of weeks ago, it wasn’t my parent but it was someone I care about. A friend trash talking me - bad.
You see, if you’re praying for ‘your enemy’ because you want to heap burning coals upon their heads, your motivation is wrong. What works for me is to pray that God makes His ways known, to the person that hurt me and when I do, He inevitably shows me His way to healing for me. He shows me possible reasons why they did or said what they did. (When I prayed for my friend, it was revealed to me why she did what she did) Now, here’s a little secret to life, most of the time when someone hurts us - it’s not about us! It always comes down to the same thing – Hurting people hurt people. It’s almost always about them and their issues. Our ‘enemies’ are never really each other, our only enemy is the evil one. When we allow the hurts and disappointments in our lives to grow bitter roots within us - what we’re really doing is joining with the devil. Our hurts will cause us to hurt others and the cycle continues in all its viciousness.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Here’s another of life’s little secrets - It’s not about them. It’s not that what was done was okay, it’s about letting go of the pain and the hold it has on us. It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt and it doesn’t mean we have to resume a painful relationship or allow another opportunity for hurt to come in and it’s not dependant upon the other person being sorry. Forgiveness isn’t even about how we feel.

I am convinced that there are three kinds of people - survivors, overcomers and conquerers. We’re all survivors, everyone one of us has suffered some insult, some pain at the hand of another. We’ve all been trashed talked, left out, overlooked, made fun of, neglected or abused. Not one of us is immune and we still carry the effects of the pain. Yes, we’ve survived but we’ve got an open wound that hurts when the breeze blows over it. Then there’s the overcomers. We’ve taken that offense as a personal challenge and determined ourselves to proof them wrong! We weren’t picked for the team so we practiced hard and showed them and ourselves just how good we could be. We’ve overcome but we’re still driven by the hurt and the need to prove ourselves.

Then there’s the powerhouses - the conquerers! Pain no longer rules them - they’ve truly gotten over it. Their lives are their own. Together with God, they move forward confidently to their destiny. The secret to their success?
Forgiveness, secret number three - it’s up to us! It’s a choice we make, a decision not a feeling. Feeling that we have forgiven will come later, first we must make the choice - bitterness or forgiveness.

So here’s what we can do. We’re going to think about something and someone that has hurt us and together we’re going to work through a process to forgiveness. Maybe that person is a former friend, maybe a current one, it could be a relative or it could be ourselves. Maybe you’ve done something that hurt someone - could be that you didn’t mean to but we know that doesn’t always take away the hurt or the guilt and shame that we carry because of it. Today, we’re going to decide to forgive. I encourage you to go with the first thing you think of - that’s the one that’s closest to the surface. What you choose to forgive today is up to you - it can be big or small - the choice is yours. You can also choose more than one offense or print more than one sheet to do at a later time, whatever you’re ready for. Remember this decision is up to you.


I choose to forgive___ my friend_____________
for______ trash talking me __________________________

I think ________ my friend _____________________may have hurt me
because_______ she was building herself up to the the person she was talking to by tearing me down__________________________

I now understand that___ my friend ___________________, is just a flawed human being just like me and I choose to forgive them.

I ask God’s forgiveness for my reaction and negative action__ of saying things I shouldn't have ___________________.

I forgive myself for______ not holding myself to a higher standard _________________________________________.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.


“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness: 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NASB)

Now pray that God take your decision to forgive and gives you His grace to complete the healing within. Here’s the fourth secret - It’s up to Him!


1- IT'S NOT ABOUT US.
2- IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM.
3-IT'S UP TO US.
4- IT'S UP TO HIM.


Chose to live by a higher standard, chose to be a conquerer!


www.made-for-more.com


Melissa Capsalors copyright 2008